In the ghettos of Cardiff, Dalek Sput demands a beverage from the vending machine in that familiar dalek-imperative voice. It’s not a pretty sound to human ears. “Tea! Earl Grey! Hot!” it demands in a manner which entirely fails to capture that essence of Captain Picard. But Dalek Sput is not like other daleks. Other daleks have moved to Cardiff in their thousands, hoping for TV work, hoping to become stars. Sadly, for all but a few, their dreams falter and they end up living in the ghettos, perhaps doing low-paid work as street-sweepers or waiting tables. For others there is occasionally better-paid work in the tourist industry.
But
Dalek Sput has other dreams. No longer content to work as a glorified
egg-whisk in a pancake restaurant, his dome is full of imagination. He
has become a writer! Dalek Sput is writing a screenplay!
When
I caught up with Dalek Sput, in a low-rent cafe in Riverside, he was
suffering from a nasty cough - but this is the transcript of the
interview he gave:
HD: So, Dalek Sput? Is writing a new idea for you?
DS: No, human. My dalek mind has been studying the weaknesses in human fiction for many of your Earth years.
HD: I see. And how do you think you can improve upon “human fiction”?
DS: I have examined much of your “science fiction”. The humans are doomed. Only with dalek fiction can there be a future. Our victory will be complete.
HD: Doomed!? How so? Can you explain?
<Waitress interrupts with a plate of scrambled egg on toast>
HD: <to waitress> Thanks! ‘looks delicious.
<HD picks up salt cellar and gives a liberal sprinkle of salt, then reaches for the pepper>
DS: STOP!! Human must not invert tiny dalek! What is the purpose of tiny dalek!?
HD: It’s just a pepperpot. I’m putting pepper on my breakfast. It’s per-fectly normal.
DS: <shrill dalek accent>Pepperpot!? This is an insult to daleks! Human must not use term “pepperpot”! You will be exterminated!
HD: Okay! Ok. It’s, um, a “cruet”! I meant no offence.
DS: <increasingly shrill dalek accent>“Cruet”? - Cruet is also an insult! You insult us! Human is racist scum! Prepare to die!
HD: Er... Condiments!? How about condiments? I offer my profound apologies.
DS: Condiments is acceptable. Your contrition has been noted. Proceed.
HD: Thank you Sput. Now, about your play.
DS: Dalek Sput. I am Dalek Sput. Do not abbreviate. I require use of my full title.
HD: Ah. Dalek Sput. My Apologies. Can you explain about your play.
DS: My plan for glory includes the eventual destruction of the entire BBC.
HD: But the end of the BBC isn’t the same as the end of humans. Is it?
DS: My screenplay will enable the infiltration of all human society. We are legion. Your so-called “Federation” cannot stop us. We are superior. Your Captain Kirk cannot stop us. Captain Picard cannot stop us. Captain Janeway cannot stop us. We are dalek! We are superior!
HD: Wait. Isn’t that Star-Trek? You’re supposed to be from Doctor Who, not Star Trek!
DS: We have scanned your broadcasts. <shrill>We have learnt of your secret “Federation”. We have subscribed to a correspondence course in Klingon. We are superior! <Cough!><Cough!> <Wheeze!><Gasp!>
HD: <forkfull of egg partway to mouth>I see... Um. So, have you managed to get much interest in your screenplay?
DS: Dalek Sput has acquired an appointment with the BBC. Our investigations continue. Victory is assured.
HD: And how about actually producing this play? Do you have plans for that too?
DS: We have assembled a cast. We have daleks. We have cybermen. We have sontarans. We have klingons. We..
HD: Klingons? And how have the BBC responded?
DS: The BBC deny the existence of Klingons. The BBC cite “licensing difficulties”. The BBC will be defeated. Victory is assured.
<at this point Dalek Sput descended into a fit of coughing, expletives and the characteristic apoplectic dalek rage.>
So.
There we have it. Will daleks ever be able to take their place in the
cultural life of our city? Or will they be forever trapped in the
ghettos, as victims of racism and petty crime?
If
you have been affected by the issues dealt with by this programme and
would like to talk to someone, please contact Dalek Susan at the
Institute for Dalek Culture in Cardiff Bay.
