2016 Spinnage Awards

Notionally, the "Spinnage Awards" have been in my head for a couple of decades.  Intended to be a review of the best of "spun" things… Stories, Songs, Records, Webs etc.  And intentionally a homophone of Spinach.

Based upon the Awards method Neil Hughes at http://www.walkingoncustard.com/the-awards-or-how-i-review-my-year/

So here goes:

Favourite New Person: 

Tricky to narrow this down to one person - but significant people have been: John Totoro, Claire T-S, Davina, Herm and Melvyn.  

John isn't really new (I first met him in 2015) - so we'll go with Melvyn - but we'll mention the others later on.

I know Melvyn from church - and he's persuaded me to start running a new D&D campaign.

Claire, Davina & Herm I met through Monstrous Productions and had some good times with them, and hopefully many more to come.

Most Improved Friend:

John Totoro?  I had some great laughs with John - eating, drinking, watching films and being in plays. 

(Also: Paul Woolley - for also getting involved in Going Postal)

Best Memory:

Being involved with Monstrous Productions "Eric" and "Going Postal" - So.much.fun.

Most exciting moment:  Being in "Going Postal" was great.  But also going to town dressed up as a pirate for International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Most frightening/worst moment:

Brexit vote.  I'm still feeling very anxious about this.

Quote of the Year:

"The man who put the Go in Golem, and the Tomato in Automaton" 

(I said this to Matt Burnett to complement him for his fantastic Golem costume he made for Going Postal)

Family of the Year:

Mine.  My family is fantastic.  As always.

Place of the Year:

Warsaw.  Our family holiday for the Summer of 2016.  It was a great time with our boys Josh & Will and we'd all want to go back when we can.

Gigs/Songs/Films/Games/Plays/Books/Events of the Year:

Several notable gigs happened in 2016: 

• Railroad Bill's 30th Birthday Party at Gwdihw.  It's hardly believable that I've been following this band for over 25 years now. Also saw Maddie Jones perform at this event.  She's definitely a powerful performer and girl worth watching.
• Wonderbrass - again at Gwdihw.  Always a tremendous gig.
• Bellowhead - Finally caught up with this juggernaut of folk on their farewell tour, and went to the after-party too.

The best film I saw in 2016 (not at the cinema) was undoubtedly "Perfume: Story of a Murderer" - a new lifelong favourite.

We saw very few films in the Cinema this past year - and few of those stand out. Maybe Star-Trek Beyond was the best??

Games?  I'm no gamer.  But I love role-playing and have done for years.  This year I've been playing in a long-running D&D campaign and lately started a campaign of my own.

Plays? Aside from being in two plays, I thoroughly enjoyed "Wyrd Sisters" at the Dolman in Newport. (Also winning the dressing-up competition and simultaneously discovering that walking around in fancy dress in Newport is far more conspicuous than doing the same thing in Cardiff)

Two books stand out for me this year:

• Nathan Crowley's bizarre "Grand Amazon"
• Becky Chambers' "The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet".  Both highly original and imaginative (and recommended.)

Other than that I've been reading about 18th Century Europe (Napoleonic era and the Franco Prussian War specifically)

Events: 

• Properly celebrating Towel-Day/Geek-Pride/The Glorious 25th.  (Dressing up, with towel & lilac to celebrate the best of satiric fantasy & SF.)  - I intend to do this every year henceforth.
• Properly celebrating International-Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day (Dressing up as a pirate to go swigging rum in town with local privateer Herm Holland)  - Likewise a new tradition.
• Going to a Halloween/All-saints-day Alt-Christian event with Daffy Vina (Davina)
• Also went to a fun adventurer's party at John Totoro's house.
• And the Monstrous "Going Postal" After-Party was tremendous fun too.  (More dressing up fun) 
• And for one day, on twitter, we swapped our identities - and I got to transmogrify into a moth.  A kind of social media version of Kafka's metamorphoses.

Best Virtual Person:

Nathan Crowley - the extraordinary tweeter of Daniel Barker's Birthday and all the other surreal things that have come since.

Most Significant Blunder:

Bought a Mercedes 190 - which isn't living up to its promise as a fun classic car.  It doesn't really run that well at the moment, the sunroof broke in the first week of owning it and it's just not classic enough.  I'll be getting rid of it.

Greatest Life Lesson:

Step out. Be brave and creative.  (The same as most other years to be honest.)

Accomplishments:

Being in 2 plays. 

Getting a new job.

Theme for 2016:

Seems to have been "Dressing Up" - which has been pretty fun.  (And apparently everyone loves a pirate*)

To Work On in 2017:

I want to be more generous.  While we increased our regular/organised charity giving a bit in 2016, I feel very privileged and living in a world full of needs.  So generosity is important and needs to be improved upon in every regard.

In previous years I've often joked "I don't have any New Years' resolutions - my wife hasn't given me any!"  But this year I asked her, so Annette said - I should spend more time being creative: writing, poetry, doing art - or whatever.  [Challenge Accepted!]

Theme of 2017: 

Be grateful for small blessings. 

*except ninjas apparently. (But when do you ever see any of them**?)

** "Aaargh!"

Infernal Tuesday

Muttering infernal invective under his stinking breath, Tuesday was fuming. He'd decided that this week would be ideal for unleashing some profound despair and misery on the humans and wanted to be properly prepared for this week's shift. His talons were sharp, and he'd just cleared some hellshite out of his cloven hoof with the end of his battlespork. Tuesday was a professional, a demon of the most severe cruelty and wickedness. No mortal could withstand his attack on hope. None could remain optimistic in the presence of Lord Tuesday. Everyone was subjected to the same withering, levelling despair, and Tuesday really enjoyed his job.
This week was the week of "Black Friday" - named for his fellow demon's great assault of materialism upon the poverty stricken masses.

Of all the demons in Hell, he hated Black Friday the most.  That arrogant self-styled "Chief Minister of Materialism" was unbearable at this time of year - his festival of greed had become an undoubted success in recent years.  Those miserable humans could barely contain themselves as they fought for those fancy baubles and gadgets - mere gewgaws of no real worth. But Black Friday had become a crowing and bombastic Duke of Hell on the back of this event.

Lord Tuesday had been plugging away for decades, possibly even centuries. (It was all a bit hard to keep track of those things in the eternal dimensions.)  He'd kept his impish minions Gutbolger & Blaghearse constantly busy implementing his plans. He'd built up a level of mind-gnawing despair that infested human souls everywhere AND diverted their attention making the sickly mortals blame his lazy colleague Count Monday instead.  Tuesday had developed evils such as boredom and drudgery into the finely honed infernal weapons of ennui and purposelessness.  These were sicknesses of the human soul that had the power to destroy whole civilizations.  He'd been relentless in his scheming, Tuesdays had been installed in every human week (there was that strange mortal concept of Time again)  And here was this detestable Black Friday who couldn't bother to get down to the business of damnation more than once a year.  What an infernal bastard.  
Tuesday spat and stabbed his long fork into a fat and slightly overcooked damned soul. But now Lord Tuesday had filed his Armageddon Paperwork.  He laughed loudly.  He'd made sure it would happen according to the most meticulous planning.  The world would end.  On a Tuesday.

Hot Planet

EGG

Scalding hot sulphurous winds buffet me, as I stand on a small rocky island of steaming basalt. Around me, roiling rivers of shining liquid magma cut me off from any escape.  My eyes hurt just looking at this scene and I'm attempting to shield my face from the furious glare and heat. I hop from foot to foot in an effort to stop my boots from melting.  It's probably futile.  I look upward, hoping to see some deus-ex-machina: a wizard guiding giant eagles to pluck me from certain death, or maybe a helicopter.  But it's useless.  The sky is full of smoke and ash and lava-bombs careering through the air like short-range meteorites.  I have no superpowers.  I can't save the planet from a fiery death.  I can't save myself.  All I could do, probably, is fry an egg - if I had one.

Interview with a Dalek

In the ghettos of Cardiff, Dalek Sput demands a beverage from the vending machine in that familiar dalek-imperative voice.  It’s not a pretty sound to human ears.  “Tea! Earl Grey! Hot!” it demands in a manner which entirely fails to capture that essence of Captain Picard.  But Dalek Sput is not like other daleks.  Other daleks have moved to Cardiff in their thousands, hoping for TV work, hoping to become stars.  Sadly, for all but a few, their dreams falter and they end up living in the ghettos, perhaps doing low-paid work as street-sweepers or waiting tables.  For others there is occasionally better-paid work in the tourist industry. 

But Dalek Sput has other dreams.  No longer content to work as a glorified egg-whisk in a pancake restaurant, his dome is full of imagination.  He has become a writer!  Dalek Sput is writing a screenplay!

When I caught up with Dalek Sput, in a low-rent cafe in Riverside, he was suffering from a nasty cough - but this is the transcript of the interview he gave:

HD: So, Dalek Sput?  Is writing a new idea for you?

DS: No, human. My dalek mind has been studying the weaknesses in human fiction for many of your Earth years.

HD: I see.  And how do you think you can improve upon “human fiction”?

DS: I have examined much of your “science fiction”.  The humans are doomed.  Only with dalek fiction can there be a future.  Our victory will be complete.

HD: Doomed!? How so?  Can you explain?

<Waitress interrupts with a plate of scrambled egg on toast>

HD: <to waitress> Thanks!  ‘looks delicious.

<HD picks up salt cellar and gives a liberal sprinkle of salt, then reaches for the pepper>

DS: STOP!!  Human must not invert tiny dalek!  What is the purpose of tiny dalek!?  

HD: It’s just a pepperpot.  I’m putting pepper on my breakfast.  It’s per-fectly normal.

DS: <shrill dalek accent>Pepperpot!?  This is an insult to daleks!  Human must not use term “pepperpot”! You will be exterminated!

HD: Okay! Ok.  It’s, um, a “cruet”!  I meant no offence.

DS: <increasingly shrill dalek accent>“Cruet”? - Cruet is also an insult!  You insult us!  Human is racist scum!  Prepare to die!

HD: Er... Condiments!? How about condiments?  I offer my profound apologies.

DS: Condiments is acceptable.  Your contrition has been noted.  Proceed.

HD: Thank you Sput.  Now, about your play.

DS: Dalek Sput.  I am Dalek Sput. Do not abbreviate. I require use of my full title.

HD: Ah. Dalek Sput. My Apologies. Can you explain about your play.

DS: My plan for glory includes the eventual destruction of the entire BBC.  

HD: But the end of the BBC isn’t the same as the end of humans.  Is it?

DS: My screenplay will enable the infiltration of all human society.  We are legion.  Your so-called “Federation” cannot stop us.  We are superior.  Your Captain Kirk cannot stop us. Captain Picard cannot stop us.  Captain Janeway cannot stop us.  We are dalek!  We are superior!

HD: Wait.  Isn’t that Star-Trek?  You’re supposed to be from Doctor Who, not Star Trek!

DS: We have scanned your broadcasts.  <shrill>We have learnt of your secret “Federation”.  We have subscribed to a correspondence course in Klingon.  We are superior!  <Cough!><Cough!> <Wheeze!><Gasp!>

HD: <forkfull of egg partway to mouth>I see...  Um.  So, have you managed to get much interest in your screenplay?

DS: Dalek Sput has acquired an appointment with the BBC.  Our investigations continue.  Victory is assured.

HD:  And how about actually producing this play?  Do you have plans for that too?

DS: We have assembled a cast.  We have daleks.  We have cybermen.  We have sontarans.  We have klingons.  We..

HD: Klingons?  And how have the BBC responded?

DS: The BBC deny the existence of Klingons.  The BBC cite “licensing difficulties”.  The BBC will be defeated.  Victory is assured.    

<at this point Dalek Sput descended into a fit of coughing, expletives and the characteristic apoplectic dalek rage.>

So.  There we have it.  Will daleks ever be able to take their place in the cultural life of our city?  Or will they be forever trapped in the ghettos, as victims of racism and petty crime?  

If you have been affected by the issues dealt with by this programme and would like to talk to someone, please contact Dalek Susan at the Institute for Dalek Culture in Cardiff Bay.